Talking About Limits

for ages 10-13

by Dr. Susan Linn

The Scene

Your 12-year-old son Danny's friends are all planning to go to the movies. The trip will involve taking public transportation to another town. You have several reservations about this scheme, but Danny implores, "Everyone's doing it!"

The preteen years can be a stressful time for families: Children yearn for more independence, while their parents struggle with limits. Adding to the pressure, other families' rules are suddenly impinging on your family's values.  The "everybody's doing it" plea can come out of a child's real concern about being left out. But kids can also use it as a calculated attempt to make parents feel guilty. This puts the pressure on parents not to give in against their better judgment.

The Words You Need

Requests such as Danny's are only the beginning of many years of negotiating between your children's need for freedom and your understandable desire to keep them safe. Keeping the dialogue open will help you balance your fears and concerns with your child's growing ability to handle independence. Here are a few suggestions to get the conversation going.

• The Words: "Tell me about it."
• The Reason: Make sure you understand exactly what your child is requesting. Sometimes pleas for freedom seem so loaded to us that we misunderstand what our child is really asking. Repeat back your understanding of the request in a neutral way so you're both clear about it.

• The Words: "Let me think about it."
• The Reason: Give yourself time to clarify your concerns, and give your kids a reality check. Don't let yourself be manipulated and don't give into feelings of guilt that might cause you to make a decision against your better judgment.

• The Words: "This is what I'm concerned about."
• The Reason: Be clear about your concerns and give your child a chance to respond. If you're worried about such a large group of kids being unchaperoned, say so. If you're worried because it's the first time your child will take public transportation alone, talk about that, too.

• The Words: "Let's see if we can figure out some kind of compromise."
• The Reason: Try to find a way to give your children some of the independence they're requesting, but within boundaries that feel safe to you. Is there a movie theater closer to your neighborhood? Can you let your son make his first trip on public transportation with a few friends at another time? Can some adults go along with the larger group?

• The Words: "I know you're angry, and I know it's hard for you that lots of people are going, but I'm just not comfortable with this right now."
• The Reason: Parents can sometimes be overprotective of their children, so you need to examine the roots of your concerns carefully before making a decision. However, if you feel that you've made a thoughtful, reasonable decision – then stick to it, even if your child gets angry. Validate your children's feelings, even as you set limits on their behavior.

Beyond the Rap

Sometimes it helps to talk with the parents of your children's friends about how they're handling these situations. You might get some new ideas. You may find that your children's sense that "everyone's doing it" is not actually the case, or that other parents share your concerns and are also unsure about how to handle these requests. Even if you disagree with the limits set or not set in other families, talking with other parents can help you clarify your own views.

The ways you and your preteens negotiate their baby steps toward independence can serve as a foundation. They'll help you cope with the increased freedom, choices, peer pressure, and responsibilities that inevitably come with adolescence.